Tuesday, July 25, 2006
thoughts：
有时觉得我怪时，很可能我有心事。
只是选择不讲，选择封闭。
我笑时，很可能我只不过是在逞强罢了。
因为心里的话说不出口。
tom goes to school late... the teacher scolds him and demanded him to wake up earlier for school
so the next day tom woke up earlier and went to school he was caught sleeping in lectures
Te: why you sleep in lecture??
To: sorry cher... had to wake up early so very tired...
Te: dont sleep in the lecture! if i catch you again you'll be sent out!
then later he was caught for chatting in the lecture
Te: why are you chit chatting during the lecture?
To: no cher i can only stay awake if i discuss with my friend
Te: why are you so sleepy?? cant you sleep earlier so that you'll have enough sleep??
so tom followed the instructions and slept early
next day he was caught not doing homework
Te: why didnt you do the tutorials??
To: i need to sleep early so that i wont sleep in the lecture thats why i dont have enough time to do my tutorials...
Te: cant u sleep lesser?? young man you dont need so much sleep do finish your homework before you sleep...
and the cycles continues with tom being late because he woke up late because he stayed up late because he had to finish his tutorials...
-THE END-
mm for the sad stuff now... mm had to go for some ritual tomorrow for my brother... gonna miss school but its okay... mm just that in the morning pf asked me some questions... kind of hard to answer... maybe i'll answer here ba... mm its hard not to think of him... he's the only brother i've had... and even though there are times when i hated him, still he's the one i spend the most time squabbling, fighting, chatting, watching show, its like the most brother brother i've had... he's the one i'll secretly cared, the one i'll protect if there's the need... the one i'll want to guide... whenever he disrespects me i'll be very angry cos i really treat him as a brother... and its like the around a month before the accident that i felt that our relationship strenghtened as brothers... cos i've really grown up to care for him already and he's less an asshole to me as before... we've more things to chat about and its the 1st time i felt that our generation gap has shranked... mm its like in the past i always tell the others that even with just 3years difference in age, we're having a gen gap... he's passing really affected me la... even on the smallest stuffes... its like when i went to watch x-men3, the 1st thing that just naturally popped into my mind was to tell him about the whole show when i go home-which was what i used to do... when i completed the 1st gundam after he passed away, i felt like shit... i was thinking to myself: "what the hell am i doing this... y am i making the gundams so nice when there's no one to show off to... no one to share my joy... "
there are times went i really felt empty at home... its like now there's so much emptiness that i cant replace nor can i salvage... its like when you see you're parents staring out into the window you know that they're missing him... but there's nothing you can do... i'm feeling very lost... maybe because i feel a need to replace my brother's position in the family and yet i couldnt... i know there's no way i could but there is nothing else i could do or i know could help...my relatives tell me i dont have to replace my brother or anything else... and now i know i can only be happy at home... smile... let them feel that there's nothing wrong with me... i know i cant be weak when i'm with them... i cant show how much i'm affected... cos they'll be even more sad... i know that since the 1st day of my brother's condition... i told myself that i'll be strong for my parents... i never really cried throughout the 13days he's int he icu... its only was right at the moment after the shutters close behing his coffin during the cremation...
i wanted to be normal, i cant... how can anyone be... i'm very much lost in my feelings now... for everything around me... there was never a day when i stop thinking about him... i'll have flashbacks now and then.. of the time we spent... pf asked me whether i hate the driver... i dont know... i really dont... i dont know what i'll be feeling the next time i see him... what will i feel towards the man that has shattered the hearts of my parents... the man who took away my brother... the man who's responsible for everything... maybe i'll be angry... maybe i will pity him for he also has to suffer through the journey... that'll have to depends on what he says then... whether or not he has the conscience... i dont know... i really dont wish to hate him... but if it has to be...................we'll see... we'll see...
it is true that you'll cherish the things you had once they're gone...
and u'll never cherish them no matter how hard you try
you'll always take everything in life for granted...
even for the things that has been lost and found again...
you'll never learn...
because its hard for you to accept the fact that
someday,
somehow,
somewhere,
u'll lose them...
and you'll never get it back...
i cant tell you to cherish the things you have...
because its of no use...
all i can say is...
think for others more...
share the love...
you'll understand when the time comes
or you already know...
-rain keeps poring-
12:34 am